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Last week Travis, the latest bachelor and future Surreal Life contestant, rejected thirteen of the twenty-five women offered up as sacrifices to the Ratings Gods. When doing so he, much to the producer's horror, ignored long standing tradition and didn't keep one of the token black-chicks until the second rose ceremony. He didn't keep the stalker-chick around to spice things up in the late stages of the show and in a move that likely will result in the Network having to file a lawsuit for breach of contract, he didn't give a rose to the show's raving loony. This week's episode is likely to be a little erratic as the show's producers scramble to rewrite the script, rebook flights, contact their lawyers and try to cast new people to provide the over-the-top drama and comic relief. Meanwhile some of the women who were only contracted for just the one episode are a little light in the luggage department and will be left scrambling to figure out what to wear.
"Ladies, welcome to your new prison, I mean home. This is where you'll be held, I mean living for the next several weeks. It's fully furnished and the bar is fully stocked" [all:]"Wooo!"	"Yah! Oooo, a hallway". [screams of delight]
"This is great, when Travis comes by to pick up one of the girls we can all stand up here, lean over and be very, very catty".	"Kirsten, we decided to screw with Travis and instead of giving the first one-on-one date to Sara B., who got the first Rose last night, we're giving it to you. Don't worry I'm sure there is a slight chance that you can charm him enough so that he doesn't take his disappointment out on you".
"You'll find out the details about your dates as the date boxes arrive, this is the first one. Please be careful with the box, some of our props are stuck in customs so we had to use the box I keep my toupee in".	"When we opened up the date box we saw binoculars and maps. So we figure we're going to be doing some orienteering".
"There was a camera in the box but the instructions for it are in French so none of us can figure out how it works. The producers said not to worry that they would fake it for us. They're so nice".	"So this bus shows up and it's all pimped out, I think it's from the show Prostituez Mon Automobile".
"If there was one activity in your life you couldn't give up, what would it be?" "I'd have to say yoga and riding my bike and walking on the beach". "I said one thing".	"Yvonne?" "Well of course, shopping! There's nothing I like more than spending some guy's money on cloths". "Wow, so not the answer I was hoping for". "What answer where you hoping for?" "Sex!"
"Growin' up in Tennessee, hikin' campin' bein' outdoors is just somethin' ya'll live with 'cause being' stuck indoors in the trailer is no fun".	"It's unbelievable. Ever since I was a little girl I've been into architecture and engineering and dreamed of seeing the Eiffel tower".
"Bonsoir". "Bonsoir". "Would you mind reading these instructions and showing us how to use this camera"? "Pardon?"	"I hear your mom is the one that told you to come on the show. Is your mom always trying to get you laid?"
"I'm out of cloths, does anyone know how to make a dress out of toilet paper?"	"If Kristen doesn't come down off of whatever it is she's on, she will not be coming back from her date tomorrow tonight. What? No I didn't read ahead in the script".
"The ratings for this show are so low they couldn't afford to rent out a restaurant so we had to make do with hanging out on top of the Arc de Triomphe. Fortunately they could afford to get a bunch of cheap, plastic umbrellas for us when it started raining".	"How about this, there are five dry seats so I'll sit on the wet seat" "That'll be good practice for when we're married".
"So did you think you were going to see Paris like this?" "No. I thought I'd be seeing it from the back of a warm, dry, comfy Limo".	"Adam Mesh, eat your heart out".
"There's something about Jehan. Hey, that'd be a great title for a movie".	"When Travis came back for the rose we were all shocked, Sara thought it was going to go to Elizabeth, Elizabeth thought it was going to go to Yvonne, Yvonne thought it was going to go to Sara, I thought it was going to go to me. The producers said it was supposed to go to Moana which is weird because she's not even on this date".
"This means a lot to me, I'll never forget this moment. The rain, the rose, the hypothermia".	"It's weird to pack my bags before a first date, I don't usually get dumped until after the second date".
"So whatcha doing?" "Writing a poem for my date tonight". "Ah, so you're the one they got to take over the crazy stalker role".	"Tuv, fuv, Xuv. What rhymes with 'dove'?"
"I gave Kristen's mom a call because no one knows what's going on around here and I thought it might be fun. It wasn't".	"I'm certainly not going to break into a house with twelve women without my fraternity brothers as backup".
Someone's having a bad-hair day!	So, tonight is our first date And being with you I know it will be great We're going cruising down the Seine River together And after last night, I hope we have great weather So, let's go have some fun And make sure to look up at the sky Because you never know which stars Will make a twinkle in your eye
"So what's your biggest turn on?" And so begins, Skank Fest 2006	"So I took the liberty, of picking up some takeout. I hope you like it".
"When I came in there was a rose on the table". "Let's just leave it there for now, if I tell you now that I'm not going to give it to you the rest of the evening will be really awkward".	"Now I'm wishing I'd told you I'm not giving you the rose".
"Did I just ruin the moment?" "Oh yah".	"Hey, someone's here!" "Is it creepy elevator guy?" "No, it's creepy French guy".
"We're going to the Champagne Region of France, the French must really love champagne to name a whole region after it".	"We drove around on a stinky bus and sat around in the rain and they get a helecopter ride to a wine tasting. That's just not fair".
"I hope no one is claustrophobic"	"Where does this subway go?"
"Is there anyone who wouldn't accept the rose?" "I guess it just depends, I don't do the dating thing when the guy is dating other girls". "What the hell are you doing on this show?"	"What's that stench, did Allie G. follow us here?" "No I think it's just the cheese".
"You go like this, just pretend there's a pole here".	"This rose needs to be broken into six separate pieces". "Just grow a pair and make a decision".
"This cocktail party is going to give me one last opportunity to intermingle with the ladies, but not in the good way".	"Any relationship I've even been in, we've always been friends first". "And that means..." "No sex before marriage". "OK, see yah".
"Birthday girl, can I have a moment?" "There are a lot of things you can have, but I'll settle for just a moment for now".	"Susan told me it was her birthday today, so I walked her to my bedroom. I wanted to give her some birthday spankings but with all the cameras I had to settle for giving her a cake".
"Who is in a chateau getting a personal birthday cake from the hottest guy in the world? I just wanted to rip off my cloths and ooooo..."	"So Tara and I headed off looking for Travis and the birthday-slut because even through we're really secure people, we were completely overtaken with our insecurities".
"I wanted to kiss Sara, but I could feel the red-hot gaze of the other women spying on us and feared for my life".	"She was very persistent, but persistent in such a cute way that I'm going to have trouble walking for a week".
"Well you all know why we're here. There are only six roses left which means three of you will be losers and are going to die alone".	"Ladies, Travis, this is the final rose tonight. But before you hand it out I just need to quickly check your prostate".
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