| Last week our ichthyophthirius coated hero moved into the pool-house with his faithful
servant Sabrina to continue on his epic quest for everlasting love. As fourteen of
the hopeful maidens pined for our handsome catcher of fish and wrote him poems overflowing
with their love, a lone, cold-hearted spinster spurned his love and skulked quietly
away under the cover of the darkness of night. Meanwhile our champion continued courting
the remaining maidens and stole away for private rendezvous with two of his most
favoured inamorata. But even those with the truest of hearts, bravest of souls and
strongest of legs cannot outrun their own destiny. In the end the good Sir Byron
was forced by powers beyond his control to crush the idyllic dreams of four unfortunate
lasses and send them away, their hearts, their dreams and their womanhoods unfulfilled.
Or something like that... |
"I'm so excited that I'm going on a date with Byron. Ever since I first saw
him I've known we were soul-mates, and now that he has chosen me for this date, I
know that he knows it too". |
"I was pretty upset when Byron invited Andrea to go on a one-on-one date because
she is so different from me. She's a tall, leggy, delusional thirty-something bimbo
from Colorado with fake boobs, emotional issues, low self-esteem and a biological
clock that's about to explode. And I'm from Florida". |
"It's just hard".
"I know it's hard".
OK, hands up everyone with a dirty mind! |
"Tonight I'm going on a date with Andrea, I'm excited to find out who she is.
It's so hard keeping all their names straight".
With all of the bikini shots in this show I figured it's time for one for the
ladies. You're welcome. |
Guy moment: Flying in a B-25 would be so cool. |
"When we were flying together I felt giddy, like a little school girl. The pilot
said it was oxygen deprivation because we weren't using the oxygen masks but I think
he was just making that up". |
"Andrea is being so motherly, she's cleaning, she's cooking, she's nurturing...
if Byron's looking for that kind of woman I don't know why I'm here. I'm more of
a you've got two hands do it yourself kind of woman". |
"I like that Byron has been married before, it shows that he's not afraid of
commitment. I don't think he'd be here if he wasn't serious about getting married".
I guess she hasn't seen the previous five seasons... |
"We don't know who is going on the date with Byron tonight, I'm so nervous I'm
on the edge of my seat".
I think that may very well be the first time in history that phrase has been used
non-figuratively. |
"Then Krysta just went nuts and I was so scared. It took seven security guys
and a tranquilizer gun to get her under control". |
"Byron you're going on a date tonight, but none of you ladies are going with
you".
"What! I don't want to go on a solo-date, I've been solo-dating for so
long my left arm is noticeably bigger than my right". |
"It's not a solo-date, it's a surprise date. The first clue is in this envelope".
"I'm going out with with The Riddler?". |
"I'm concerned about Byron's date tonight because it's probably going to be
another woman".
I would think you should concerned if it was another guy. |
Manditory product placement. I have to show them, it's in my contract. |
Hang on, he leaves and it's daytime... |
When he gets there it's nighttime. How far away is this place? |
"Walking through this building multiple times so the camera guys could get all
the shots they wanted was weird". |
Elevator cliff-hanger: Who's it going to be? Oooo, scary! NOT! |
"Come on everyone, Survivor's starting!"
"Yah!" |
"I'm Heather from Texas. I don't know why it's important that I say I'm from
Texas anytime I say my name, it just is". |
"I fell in love from the first second I saw Aaron. From what I understand, Andrea
is playing my character this season". |
"What's wrong with me that I would go on a Reality-TV dating show and really
expect to find love?" |
"I'm Mary from The Bachelor 4: Girls Gone Wild". |
"I remember you saying you wanted to have kids right away".
"I sure don't want to have to wait three more seasons or anything".
"Let's go for it, right here, right now".
"Yah, alright". |
"When Heather and Mary walked off the elevator I pretended I didn't know who
they were, I don't want the guys on the tour to know I watch a chick-show like The
Bachelor". |
"I agreed to do The Bachelor again because I have no marketable skills
and need to find someone who will marry me and support me. Plus I'm tired of dating
pilots". |
"I came back on the show because everyone in Tampa knows I've been with Bachelor-Bob
so none of the guys there will touch me". |
"So why are you single?"
"Because no guy can possibly live up to the impossibly high standards I have
in my mind of what the perfect man should be". |
"I do want a family, what about you?"
"I really do. When I finish a football practice day out on
the lake and I go out to the parking lot pull up to the dock and
I see my teammates the other anglers getting picked up by their
wives and kids I'm really jealous of them". |
"Mary and I are both nervous about walking into the house because we both saw
Trish on the show last season and we don't know if ABC has tightened up their screening
process or not". |
"Hi, I'm an immature little bitch who likes making fun of other people by imitating
them in a derogatory fashion". |
"Heather's a slut, but what do you think about Mary?"
"Mary is more traditional, family oriented, she'd make a good wife. But I don't
know if that's what a guy on a Reality-TV show about finding true love and getting
married is looking for".
"Certainly none of the previous six bachelors where looking for that". |
"What do you girl's think about the two retreads?"
"Personally, I don't think they are your type. We're soul-mates, we're meant
to be together. I don't understand why you don't just send them (and all the other
girls) away". |
Who is this? Has she been on the show before?" |
Hey check it out, the pictures have the lady's name on them. Even the pictures
for Jesse's season didn't have the names on them, that doesn't make Byron look very
good does it? :) |
"I'm starting to develop feelings for him and that's scaring me because he's
such a loser. Why do I keep falling for losers?" |
"Don't take my lack of interest as a sign that I lack interest, because I am
interested. I'm interested in getting as much screen time as possible in the hopes
of jump starting my career". |
"Being chosen for the The Desperate Pleas of the Unloved thing? I think
it's a good thing".
This girl is clearly delusional. |
I can't tell. On her chest, is that glitter or sweat? |
"Heather is intriguing to me. She's a beautiful woman who I don't know that
well".
Man, his standards for intrigue are pretty low. |
"Do you have any advice?"
"Advice for what? Advice on how to be the woman that wins his heart while the
rest of us just start adapting cats?"
"Exactly". |
"Where have you bin?"
Hey don't look at me, that's what he said! |
This has nothing to do with the Bachelor, I just wanted to point out that City
TV is a local over-the-air TV station and they're airing Sex and the City unedited.
Canada rocks and the FCC sucks! To be fair, the CRTC sucks too but at least they
don't freak out if the occasional swearword or breast makes it onto our TVs. |
"We're all looking for the same thing, true love, a life partner".
Life partner? Is Byron batting from the other side of the plate?
Is there maybe a little somethin' somethin' between Byron and Chris? |
Hmmm... I wonder if my Gaydar identified the wrong target in the first episode? |
"Ladies, Byron, this is the rose before, the rose before, the rose before, the
final rose".
OK, RoboChris didn't really say that, I made that part up. |
Hmmm... |
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