| Once upon a time, there were two losers looking for love on a cheesy reality TV show. |
"This season we have two bachelors, Jay Overbye, an entrepreneur who was so
successful he became a real-estate salesman..." |
"and Byron Velvick a professional recreational bass-fisherman and two-time winner
of the U.S. Open Master Baiter Championship". |
"Hi, I'm Robo-Chris. On previous seasons of The Bachelor we've utterly
failed to generate any kind of lasting relationship, let alone a marriage. So this
year we're not going with a young immature bachelor who's only on the show for fame
and the chance to score with twenty-five attractive women, we're going with two middle-aged
immature bachelors who are only on the show for fame and the chance to score with
twenty-five attractive women". |
Oooo, look at the choreography. It's like a dance -- but with limos. |
"When I met Jay I knew the game was on. This guy is not going to take my future
wife away from me, my best friend is going to do that". |
"Gentlemen, here's what is about to happen. Those are the twenty-five beautiful,
single women who are on their way here to meet the man of their dreams".
"Those aren't the twenty-five women, those are pictures of the twenty-five
women!" |
"Byron is a rugged outdoorsy guy who also has a very effeminate side. I think
that's why he likes having long hair." |
"I was previously married but unfortunately she turned into the wrong girl.
I guess I shouldn't have got her that boob job, huh?" |
"I think Jay did pretty well growing up with so many siblings. It's not easy
raising that many kids, trying to give each of them the attention they deserve, remembering
their names..." |
"Wimp"
"Pussy"
"Wimp"
"Pussy"
"Wimp"
"Pussy" |
"The women are about to arrive and you're going to get to watch them on the
monitors. They have no idea you'll be watching or that there are two bachelors because
they haven't been given their scripts yet." |
The spinsters invade... |
and the booze starts a-flowin' early. |
"My dating life has been difficult, because I have a hard time hiding my contempt
of the entire male gender". |
"I'm like a ripe fruit... about to start rotting and turning gross..." |
"I grew up in a small town with strong Southern values, so I hope the bachelor
is white". |
"I'm a wide-assed woman from Texas, yah that's what I am". |
"I'm a hopeless romantic, when I fall I fall hard and fast and I won't give
up until there is a restraining order". |
"Being a bar owner, eh, and having to listen to drunks all the time, eh, made
me start just hating people in general, eh". |
"I already have the material to make my wedding dress, I have the church booked
and the minister is on standby -- but I'm not desperate! If I was desperate when
I took that ad out in the paper looking for a husband I would have offered a lot
more than $25,000". |
"Professionally I'm a headhunter. So technically that means that, yes, I am
a cannibal". |
"I'm a like a gypsy, I'm looking for someone to tie me down and ..."
Strangely the scene was cut off right then, editing goof I guess. I wonder what
she was about to say? |
"I have a hard time meeting guys, I'm a little shy so I stay in my apartment
all the time and never go out but I don't think that has anything to do with it". |
[MODE=CARTMAN]"Yes, yes, I'm a gold-digger, who wants to touch me. I said who
wants to #@%!$@ touch me?"[/MODE] |
"I really want to get married and have four children, get fat and sit around
the house all day watching my soaps and Oprah -- just like Mommy". |
"As I've gotten older and my looks are starting to fade my dating life is going
downhill, I guess I should have cashed my chips in earlier". |
"My dream man is someone who is confidant and strong, but seeing as I'm the
Token Black Chick(tm) it doesn't matter because I won't make it past the second
episode". |
"I haven't met the right guy yet but God has a plan for me and I'm pretty sure
God works at ABC so this should work out". |
"I'm ready to get married because I own a house and have two puppies. Everyone
knows that once you own a house and have two puppies you're ready to get married". |
"I'm a slut, I've had more than my fair share of guys. You're not taping yet,
right?". |
"My best assets are my [bleeep]".
"You can't say that on TV. Start again".
"My best assets are my... eyes?". |
"I don't usually tell the guys I'm dating that I'm an acrobat because it creates
an expectation that I just can't live up to". |
Oh man, her answers were so generic and boring that I couldn't come up with anything
snarky!!! |
"I've never been in a situation where I had to fight for a guy before, but when
it comes down to it I'd kill someone for the right guy. So, watch out girls". |
"I haven't put any effort into keeping a boy friend before, but I think I'm
at a point in my life where I'm ready to have that first experience". |
What do you want to bet she's one of those people that puts the shoulder strap of
her seatbelt under her arm too. |
"I've been married before but it didn't work out. I can't say anything bad about
him because of the court order". |
"I'm the proud mommy of a four mouth old French bulldog named Lola".
This girl needs a quick biology lesson. |
"I brought her along because I'm a psycho". |
"I guess at some point we're going to have to stop hanging out at the pool and
start getting ready to meet the bachelor".
Wooop woop woop! Foreshadow alert! Foreshadow alert! |
"Kelly brought her annoying little dog, she thinks it's her baby. I think she's
psycho and I think the bachelor is going to think she's psycho. I think I'm going
to try and stay away from her". |
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*** I N T E R M I S S I O N ***
That's enough for now, more to come...
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